Mindless, tortured eating.
Shoveling bite after bite into my mouth.
Hardly recognizing what I am devouring.
Time ticking by..faster, faster.
The hours pass quickly.
Stomach exploding with pain.
Bloat. Shame. Panic. They all set in.
Physical and mental torment.
A morning wake up full of guilt and embarrassment.
Face and limbs tripled in size.
A defeated mind.
A defeated spirit.
Hung over from something you need to live.
This..this is my experience with binge eating.
Friends, this is a post I’d never thought I’d be writing. Not only because I never thought I’d struggle with binge eating, but also because this struggle I’ve been going thru is incredibly embarrassing for me to talk about. I don’t know how coherent it will be or if it will flow smoothly, but I do know I have to get my thoughts out. I have to speak my truth and I have to take my own advice once again. A few posts back I discussed shame and how holding shame in your life can hold you back from truly LIVING. Well, I’ve been holding a TON of guilt, shame, and embarrassment lately surrounding my eating habits, rapidly expanding body, and unravelling mind. It’s time I release some of those negative feelings by opening up about my experience over the past few months.
I hope by being honest and sharing about my current struggles, some of you will be able to identify with me and maybe feel less alone in your own troubles. I am going to lay it all out. I am going to express my fears, my worries, my anxieties, and turn to you…this amazing community we’ve created…for accountability and support. Every time I’ve been upfront in the past, you’ve responded with incredible kindness and compassion. I am calling upon you again for that kind of communal embrace. I thought I could overcome this on my own, but it turns out I can’t. I need to seek help. I am not weak for doing so and relying on others to help me dig out of this whole does not make me less than. I am human, I have faults, and I deserve to be happier and healthier than I am now.
Here’s what I am dealing with…
For the past two and a half months straight I have been dealing with severe binge eating at night. We’re talking thousands upon thousands of calories in short windows of time and sometimes over the course of the entire night…which means my sleep has suffered too.
I can’t pinpoint exactly why this ‘habit’ started, but I can recall the exact day it started and the mindset I was in. I was stressed with work and travel and felt very out of control around food and in life in general. From the day I really binged for the first time, it’s been nonstop since. Some people may call this reactive eating or extreme hunger…but this is NOT that. This is self-destructive, pain inducing, unhealthy BINGE EATING at its worst. It’s like I am in a trance, a coma…completely out of control of my body with a mind racing on what I can shovel in next.
I am currently at the highest weight I’ve ever been at in my entire life. I am INCREDIBLY uncomfortable in my body and feel physically awful. I am embarrassed for close friends and even my own family to see me. I don’t like being hugged or touched because of my rapidly growing size. I feel deconditioned, sluggish, short of breath, and slow. Mentally, I am in agony. My mind bullies my body and my body taunts my mind. It’s a never-ending cycle of self hate and torment.
I have lost my love of movement. My motivation is lacking because of how physically bad I feel everyday and because of how embarrassed I am to be seen. Right now, I can’t run due to an injury. I miss it SO much and feel it is the only type of activity I crave. Because I don’t have it right now, I am at a loss for how to cope with my anxiety. I have no outlet. Nothing to give me endorphins or boost my mood. In addition, I am struggling with a number of gastrointestinal issues and my binge eating is only making those worse.
Needless to say, life is very dark right now. The only bright spots have been my job (which I absolutely love…it keeps me going everyday and gives me something to wake up for), short interactions with friends, and moments with my parents that remind me I am loved no matter what. But, friends, I am stuck. Stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of physical and mental self-destruction. I need to make changes. I need to end this horrid streak. I NEED accountability.
That’s why I am writing this post. I am sharing my struggle because I know I am not alone. I know that even as I continue to hit rock bottom after rock bottom, there is someone out there going thru the same (or similar) things and could use some support just like me. We are in this together…I need YOU as much as you need ME to get thru this.
I am trying to be as proactive as possible. I am seeing new practitioners to see if I can get some help with these destructive urges and behaviors. I am going to therapy…something I swore off long ago but decided to bring back into my life because I am at my wit’s end. I am seeking out alternative therapies like acupuncture and cryotherapy. I am trying to prioritize self-care. I am listening to my body as best as I can when I am in non-binge episodes and I am trying to get back onto normal, healthy routines.
I alluded to ‘falling off the wagon’ in this post…but really these struggles with binge eating are more than that. I read Brain Over Binge and after learning the wisdom in that book, I have no desire to discover why this behavior started or what it stems from. I simply want to overcome my urges. I want to strengthen my will power once again and prove to myself I am stronger than my thoughts.
I know it will be easier said than done…everything is. But just the simple fact that I wrote this post and no thousands will see it makes me feel a little more able to really STICK TO MY GOALS. Accountability works. It’s bolsters your strength to stick to your plans.
I can’t promise I’ll be perfect, but I truly think that by opening up to all of you, I will be able to start on the course to healing and health once again. I used to pride myself on being the picture of health and happiness…but right now I am anything but. I want to get back to that place so badly and I think I can with your help.
Today is day one. The binge ends here.Stay connected:Subscribe to Healthy HelperFacebook: Healthy HelperTwitter: @Healthy_HelperInstagram: HealthyHelperPinterest: Healthy_HelperBloglovin’: Healthy HelperGoogle+: Healthy HelperTumblr: Healthy Helper BlogSnapchat: KailaProulxWant to get FREE products for review and make money as a blogger? Check out Linqia!